i quit music and got a full-time job

25 years of trying to get up that great big hill of hope and all that. – Featuring a song I first discovered through Lorde's newsletter and heard again in Netflix series "The Diplomat".

I started a desk job this month. After graduating in 2020, I somehow managed to survive with a string of freelance composing projects, a government-funded tech traineeship and managing the Twitter account for an online Formula 1 talk show. This year, I was hoping to land an opportunity that would enable me to continue working in music full-time and use it to pursue a residency overseas and live that artist life™.

I didn’t get that opportunity.

I didn’t expect it to devastate me as much as it did, though to be honest, I was probably hanging on by a thread by that point. In tears I told my mom I had enough, I didn’t want to do this music thing anymore, and I didn’t want to live in Singapore anymore. On my 26th birthday, I flew home with no plans to return.

It was nice to be back in my sleepy hometown in Malaysia, where nothing much happens and nothing is expected to. I got to spend over 2 months with my dad, my cat, and my grandma, the longest I’ve been back home since I moved to Singapore for college in 2015. It was nice to be away from the constant hustle and bustle of the city, and all the expectations that come with it. It was nice to take a second to breathe.

Eventually, I found the heart to continue doing the music thing again. I filmed a couple of videos for my YouTube channel. I finished recording my EP, accepting and embracing the imperfections, and I will release it this year no matter what. I’ve already begun writing and composing for 2 different concept albums. I also started applying for jobs.

I was offered the first job I applied to. It was the only one that didn’t have a remote/hybrid work arrangement, but everything else about the job description was perfect: running communications and engagement (a job I had been doing more of as of late) for a theatre company (an industry I’ve always loved and wanted to be a part of) in Singapore.

Because of the overlap of industries, I legally won’t be able to make money from making music for anyone anymore. It was a difficult thing to realise, but ultimately I feel it’s the right decision for me. I need stability and making music in Singapore isn’t going to give me that.

To be clear, I’m not choosing stability because I want to settle down anytime soon, I’m choosing stability so that I have the ability to be free, to travel again in the future. Right now, I feel this company is the right place for me, the first event we had in the space since I joined was a gender-queer rave (in Singapore!) and the project we’re working on now is a one-woman play about the politics of drag and gender presentation. It’s so rare for a locally grown company in South East Asia to be publicly queer-affirming and have a history of valuing original art, and I’m proud to be a part of that.

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I need a name for this regular column where I share 3 albums I listened to recently and loved, comment below if you have any ideas!

Texas Moon - EP by Khruangbin & Leon Bridges

(favourite track: Mariella)

Lorde has an excellent newsletter where she shares updates from her Solar Power tour and also what she’s been reading and listening to. I love how the newsletter reads almost like a diary entry or a letter to a friend. I heard this song in a scene from The Diplomat, a show I binged recently with my dad, and she also shared it in her last newsletter: “I’m playing this song my brother showed me, Mariella, over and over. It sounds like how I feel these days, soft with some pain, the voice of someone who’s touched a lot of beautiful things. This year has wrung me out. I’m a rag. I’m the t-shirts and underwear I hand-washed in so many hotel sinks. Christmas is a tall wave and I haven’t bought anyone gifts.”

The Jazz EP by Rodrigo y Gabriela

(favourite track: Lingus)

When I signed up for Leo Moscaro’s newsletter Shuffle Sundays 🎶, I got an email with an invitation to write back introducing myself to get some personalised recommendations in return. I’ve been loving pretty much every album and artist that Leo has suggested to me. This album stood out because there was a cover of “Lingus” from my favourite Snarky Puppy album We Like It Here. Who knew it was possible to make Snarky Puppy acoustic?

Previously On… - EP by Cashew Chemists

(favourite track: Sarah)

Sadly this Singaporean band is no longer together, I don’t know why, probably for similar reasons why I’m not pursuing music as my full-time hustle anymore. I did meet and work with their former manager during the tech traineeship I mentioned earlier. The twangy guitars and melodic basslines make me feel nostalgic for a time and place in the past that I’ve never experienced, and I always find myself coming back to their music when I’m feeling wistful about how life has turned out.

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If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading and I hope you’ll be here again at the end of next month! Here’s a picture of my family cat, Tiger II, about to drop the hottest diss track of the year. 🔥

LoL (Lots of Love),
rae